IT IS FRIGHTENING HOW TRUE, AND REALISTIC THIS IS!



SECTION I: How joseph Relates to Other People


Mercury Opposition Pluto with an orb of less than 1/2 degree

You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Venus Square Saturn with an orb of less than 1/2 degree

Since you were a child you have felt you could not just be yourself and be loved. You had to earn your love in some way by being or doing something special. You are far more self-protective than most people realize. Your best love partners are also work partners.

Venus Trine Pluto with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree

When it comes to love, you are definitely not casual. You yourself may be surprised at the depths of feeling a close relationship brings to the surface. You love deeply and passionately and do not understand people who are incapable of making lasting commitments.

Venus Opposition Neptune with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees

Love for you is often a "divine discontent". You are so romantic and idealistic it is difficult for any mortal person to sustain your interest without disappointing you. Your need to idealize loved ones may make you susceptible to illusion.

Mercury Trine Neptune with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees

You know things intuitively as well as rationally and have a rare capacity to perceive in others feelings, thoughts and dreams they may never have openly shared. Anyone close to you would have to share your love of music and interest in spiritual thought.

Mercury Sextile Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree

You are creative and charming. You speak well, live well and are fond of people who have taste, wit, good manners and share your aesthetic interests. Your emotional ties must also be on your intellectual level or your interest will soon begin to wane.

Sun Sesquiquadrate Neptune with an orb of less than 1 degree

Your father was either over- idealized or he was rejected as a role model. Either way, your concept of what a man should be is not based upon a mortal person, but upon an ideal. This may lead to unrealistic expectations in close personal relationships.

So today marks the day that I completely write off my "best friend". He no longer exists to me. It took speaking to the right person for me to see what I really needed to do about this situation, because before today I wanted to just put a bullet in his fucking head, which as drastic as it sounds, I would be doing the world a great service, but at what cost to me? I really dont know why I decided to invest so much time into this person, but I suppose things happen for a reason, I only regret the things I lost out on being the friend of a person that everyone else hates. I guess life goes on, gladly without Jeremy. I guess now it is time to catch up on A LOT of lost time.

DONE AND DONE.

well my mind has been running a thousand miles per hour lately. the loss of my brother last week almost killed me, but i am still here. nightmares are haunting my mind, and visions are preventing me from focusing, but at certain points in the day i am actually capable of aligning these thoughts and feelings which makes for a certain amount of clarity if only for a brief moment. i feel like i am able to focus more and more lately. Things are making more and more sense as I peice them together.

I have made a point of noticing the difference in my life now since there are several "factors" which are no longer involved, and it seems to be working in my favor on some points, and on other points it is definitely hindering my ability to do what I think I need to do. I Realize now that the decisions I made in the past were totally wrong, and definitely changed the outcome of my life this far, and on some situations I will never forgive myself for that.

As far as work goes I am not happy there, the only reason I am still there is because Mikey is there, and I dont know how long thats gonna keep me there either.


I miss my life dearly, it seems as though it has gone away, and now I am just this THING which wont stop for anything. I suppose it can only get better. I really dont care at this point about anything else besides making sure I am ok, and the people I care about are ok.

There are no more acquaintances in my life, not at this point anyway. Maybe making new friends would be good for me though.

Well it seems there is a lot to tell in this journal entry as well. First off some sick bastard broke into my car and stole my chef pants, klogs, cigarettes, and cds. I would love to find out who did this, I mean come on who the fuck does that. Who steals a mans work clothes?
It also seems that My choices have not been what I would like them to be at all. I have made a few decisons in the past week which are not of my calibur, and I think I may need to work on that. This may be the time to begin cutting more and more people off. As hard as this will be for me to do, I think it is necassary.
Im still worried about my dog, whether she will go to a good home or not.
Work is as ridiculous as it ever was, and I am not making enough money to keep food in my stomach. I suppose these are hard times for everyone down here since katrina, with only a few weeks before hurricane season, I am not sure if I will be here this tiime next year. Hopefully not. There are many bad memories which need to just die for me, and I feel that leaving is the only way that will become possible. I just dont feel the need to stay here anymore, I dont feel there is anything holding me back. I have been looking for a way to get the fuck outta here, and I have come up with a few possibilities. Now it is just time to set m y ducks in a row, and just do it.

Well it seems like there is much to talk about here. First off I went to see xmen 3 last night, and it was everything I hoped it would be. I think I may have turned a corner recently, as I am growing nearer to not wanting to go out and do anything which is unhealthy anymore. Drinking is even becoming a hassle to me and that is shocking, especially since I have been on a liquid diet for quite some time now.
Jessica is giving my dog away, and I hate this so much because I have failed a reasonably depthy responsibility. What can I do, I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I am sure she will go to a good home and all, but I just dont feel she deserves this. Who knows maybe she will like it better. I guess I was an asshole father for her or whatever, its prolly better this way.
It seems like I have been clinging on to something which isnt there lately. I dont know what it is, but I definitely sense it, and I think I would rather just figure it out and remove it from my life. I dont know what it is so maybe a drastic life change is in order that way I can assure getting rid of it. The thought of moving away has been in my mind as well. There really isnt anything here holding me back anymore, and I think this could be my only chance to experience SOMETHING in my life.
I find I am tired of lying to myself, TIRED of ratonalizing things which make me unhappy, and tired of allowing things to happen to me which I have no control over making better. The time is now for me to change, and the time is now for me to cut my losses. Where do I go? what do I do? Who can I trust?
THESE are all questions I better have figured out before my next journal entry, or I feel it wont be a good one.
It is so hard to fight the negativity that constantly pounds away at me. I think it is owed mainly to guilt, and sheer fucking desperation. I think that if I can focus my thoughts at some point I will be ok, and may be able to dodge this hate-filled bullet, but is to be seen.

I guess in more simple terms I need to live a life more selfishly to get anywhere. But the thing is this...thats not who I am, and the irony there is...."I need to be someone I am not, to be the person I want to be".